Like most people who take antidepressants, I have become quite......round. So round that I have discussed the issue with my psychiatrist. No matter what I do (proper diet, exercise, etc.), NOTHING WORKS. I remain round and continue to expand my horizons. So, the last time I was hospitalized (a couple of weeks ago), I talked to my dr. about possibly prescribing an antidepressant that would NOT cause weight gain (I will not discuss my actual weight, but suffice it to say, it is way more than I am comfortable with). He prescribed me a low dose of Wellbutrin XR. I have to say, the first week on it totally sucked because my emotions were all over the place. However, on the bright side, the Wellbutrin quells my appetite. While I am an individual who lacks patience (I believe in instant gratification), I am increasingly discouraged at times because I am still north of being super-chunky. However, the rational side of me realizes that it the weight gain didn't happen overnight (actually, it was over the span of about eight years), the weight loss is going to take some time and work, though I get annoyed about the whole situation frequently.
My kids are wonderful about the whole weight thing, as is my mom. They remind me that I need to be patient and improvement WILL happen, and that they love me the way I am (the kids said this, not my mom) and that moms (and eventually grandmas) are supposed to be squishy. How else can I comfort a ticked off baby? I know this for a fact; my three month-old niece, Scarlett, immediately chills when I cuddle on her. She loves my squishiness!
I do NOT want to become uber-thin; to me, it's not attractive, especially at my age. I figure if I get down to, say, about 130-140 lbs, that would be ideal. Those are nice, healthy weights, and though I will be much thinner than I presently am, I will still be maintaining a reasonable amount of squish for future nieces, nephews, and grandbabies (no, Brody and Lindsey, I am NOT dropping hints). Squish is good, fat is bad, and I am FAT.
I have had self-image issues for as long as I remember. I remember thinking that 120 lbs was massive ( I think I weighed about 100 lbs. at the time). I could be built like Giselle Bundchen and STILL be dissatisfied. Why do people view their physical selves in a negative light? I have always wondered that. No matter how attractive and physically appealing we are to others who see us, why are we never happy with our looks? One thing my family has told me (and this is in regard to the antidepressant-induced weight gain) that they would prefer that I was chubalicious and sane, rather than thin and mentally unstable. I'm down with that, but I still need to lose some weight in order to improve my health. It'll improve my arthritis in my knees, my blood pressure, and my self-esteem.......I think.
I have noticed that since I have started the Wellbutrin, my appetite has shrunk considerably and I am gradually (aka VERY slowly) losing weight. I can actually fit into a couple pairs of jeans that I had outgrown, so that deserves a victory dance, which I will refrain from doing since I am at the library; it may traumatize people.
In closing, even though I struggle with weight and self-image problems, I do have hope that this, too, shall pass. For those of you who are struggling with the same thing, let me tell you this: there IS hope. It will require hard work on your part, but you CAN do it! Never give up on your goals.
Until next time.............
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