Aviophobia

I hate flying.  Pure and simple. Okay, let me rephrase that.  Flying, itself, really does not bother me all that much, but takeoff and landing nearly throw me into a panic attack or make me pass out from fear. I am not sure why this is, because I always loved to fly when I was younger.  It's just been since I've been an adult that I have developed this fear.
As I have flown recently, I discovered something:  my fear of flying has not been helped by my fascination with the show "Air Crash Investigations".  Seriously, I have no idea why I love this show, because it pretty much shows anything and everything that can go wrong with a plane.  And wouldn't you know, I was thinking of these shows as I boarded my flight in Boise two weeks ago.  This nearly rendered me catatonic, but then I switched gears and chose to think of the movie "Airplane!" instead.  That was much more comforting, and infinitely more amusing.  Throughout the flight, all I could think about was Barbara Billingsley as the Jive Lady.  What was even more hilarious (and quite ironic) was when we flew from Denver to Des Moines.  There was an individual who had a guitar as one of their carry on pieces.  I automatically thought of the scene where the flight attendant was singing "River of Jordan" to the gravely ill little girl and kept pulling her IV out with the neck of the guitar. Ohhhhh, good times!
Though I mostly concentrated on the more amusing aspects of air travel, I couldn't help but occasionally think of some of the "Air Crash Investigations" episodes I had recently watched.  Word of advice:  NEVER watch something like that if you are already afraid of flying and are planning to travel by plane anytime in the near future.  It just exacerbates your fear.  Duh.
It's funny, but once I get up in the air, I do pretty well, except when we make a turn.  I am always afraid that the plane is going to to a spin move and flip over and I'll plummet to the ground.  Takeoff darn near kills me. My heart feels like it's coming out my nose, my lungs feel like they're going to fall out of my butt, and I get really lightheaded (possibly because I am hyperventilating).  It is a proven fact that I white-knuckle it until we reach cruising altitude.  At that point in time, I enjoy my complimentary beverage and people-watch, which, on a plane, is most amusing.  I swear I get all the really funky people on any flight I happen to be on.
Landing is not a lot better, but I handle it.  My heart and lungs stay put in my chest cavity, and I don't hyperventilate.  I do, however, white-knuckle it the entire time until the plane either slows down or comes to a complete stop.  Then, and only then, can I relax.  By the time I deplane, I am ready to kiss the terra firma.
The other aspect of flying that really bothers me is turbulence.  Since I live in a mountainous area, flying out of the airport is ALWAYS turbulent (and therefore not so fun) because it is a fact that when you fly over the mountains, the air currents cause turbulence.  And it never fails; every time we experience severe turbulence, I happen to have a full bladder, and darn it all to heck, the seatbelt sign is on, and I CAN'T FREAKING USE THE BATHROOM!  During this time, I am practically twisting myself into a pretzel shape in order to not be incontinent of bladder.  Oh my, that is a most uncomfortable feeling.  When this happens, as soon as I deplane, I am off like a shot and booking it to the nearest bathroom.  It is that time that I can fully relax, bladder and all.  The other thing I cannot tolerate in regards to turbulence is that it is not my idea of fun to be jiggled all over the place at 32,000 feet above the ground.  Aw, HECK no! By the time I am off the plane, I feel like a James Bond cocktail:  shaken, but not stirred.
Though flying is NOT my preferred method of travel, I do manage to endure it, usually with the help of a Xanax or two.  I also try to keep myself occupied so I don't focus on the fact that I really don't much care for flying.  Thankfully, I have no intention of flying again anytime soon, so I shall enjoy the ground for now.
Until next time.......