The weekend started out normal enough: we attended my nephew's graduation party on Saturday night (or was it Friday? I seriously have "Dory Syndrome", which means that my short-term memory SUCKS) and that was a lot of fun. It's always a blast to have my family gathered together in celebration of something someone has done, such as graduation or even just for the hell of it. That's how we roll. Anyway, I find that if I am in a large group of people who are related to me, I have absolutely no problem with anxiety and mild agoraphobia. However, when I am in a situation with a ton of people I do NOT know and it's in a very close room, that's when the panic bubbles up. Take last night at seminary graduation, for instance. I had survived the actual graduation ceremony at the high school very well, possibly because I was busy either taking pictures or filming the musical performances, so my mind was pretty occupied. I was also surrounded by my former in-laws, who, even after five years, I still love with all my heart because they are truly wonderful people. Anyway, I digress. So, in the short time between the time we had arrived home from the high school graduation and when we left for seminary graduation, I began to have some doubts as to whether or not I should even attend seminary graduation because I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed and edgy (never a good sign for me). In the end, I did end up going, which, as time progressed, I realized that this was a very big mistake on my part.
It all started innocuously enough: the prelude music was beautiful and peaceful, and it brought the Spirit into my heart. Even the procession of the graduates was great: I have known most of these kids since they were about 12 years old, and some of them, even longer than that. Anyway, the first talk was great, but the girl shared a couple of experiences with heeding the warnings of the Holy Ghost, and then finding out why she was prompted to veer from her normal routine. It wasn't that I was upset about anything she said, but the experiences were eerily similar to the manner in which my youngest sister was killed a few weeks ago: she was traveling at a high rate of speed when she hit a deer and lost control of her SUV. The car rolled, and her seat belt failed, and she was thrown from the driver's side window, landing approximately 100 + feet from the vehicle. She suffered extreme head and chest trauma, and from what I understand, she broke her neck, as well. Anyway, it just evoked some pretty intense emotions in me, and I began to cry. After this gal's talk, there was a string trio, and these musicians, who are teens, are very talented. They played a medley of hymns, and there were two that put me over the edge, one of which caused a flashback to erecting my sister's roadside memorial. That song was "I Am a Child of God", one of my sister's favorite hymns, and it was the first hymn we sang before we departed. Now, I cannot listen to that hymn without crying my heart out. The second hymn that affected me was "O My Father", which, regardless of the situation, ALWAYS brings me to tears because I feel Heavenly Father so strongly when I hear it. That was it; I had to get out of the chapel and run outside so I could cry uncontrollably and not disrupt the program. After about fifteen minutes or so, I returned to the foyer and remained there until the program was pretty much over (they were handing out the diplomas by this time), at which time, I returned to the chapel. I did great during the closing hymn, which was one of my favorites, so it buoyed my spirits somewhat.
After the program concluded, there was a reception of sorts in the gym behind the chapel. I did fairly well until one of my dearest friends came up and hugged me, asking me how I was doing. I have no idea why this is, but anytime anyone has hugged me since I lost my sister, I totally start bawling. I don't know if the affection triggers some kind of emotional response, but I will be glad when that diminishes because right now, it's kind of embarrassing. Anyway, I totally lost it, and though I merely started out weeping, things quickly spiraled out of control and before I knew it, I was having a full-blown anxiety attack.....AT CHURCH!!!! I began to pretty much freak out and was sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating, and nearly screaming, "I can't breathe! Get me out of here! I can't breathe!" I bolted outside, yet again, but this time, my mom followed, and eventually, one of the stake presidency, who also happens to be a doctor (and is fully aware of my issues, as it were). I don't think Mom really knew how to deal with this, as she was slightly affected by the same things as I was, but was holding it together much better than I was, so it was up to Dr. Drake to handle the situation. As there were no paper bags readily available, I had to breathe into a tithing envelope, which I found kind of funny afterwards (I don't know why). After a while, I had completely chilled out and was able to be reasonable and calm. We found my older sister, who drove my car home (her husband followed us in their car) and made sure Mom and I got into the house okay. Once there, it was total pajama time (I had been wearing a dress ALL FREAKING DAY and I was SO ready to be rid of it, though I am a VERY feminine gal).
After a while, my boys arrived home, and since they are the only priesthood holders in the home, I asked them to contact our home teachers to come and administer a blessing on me so I could experience some peace and be able to relax enough so I could possibly get some sleep. As they gave me the blessing, I SERIOUSLY felt my little sister holding my hand on one side, and Heavenly Father standing on the other side of me. I realize to those who do not share my religious beliefs and /or do not understand the LDS religion, this probably sounds totally loopy, but this was REAL. I have no doubt in my mind that this truly happened. After the blessing was completed, I had this distinct feeling of peace and love coursing through my body. It was such an amazing feeling, and words cannot describe it.
I guess that what I am attempting to convey is that though I totally fell apart in front of a very large group of my peers, I initially felt very ashamed. After much thought and prayer, I realized that what occurred was nothing to be ashamed of. Panic and anxiety attacks just happen sometimes, and there isn't much anyone can do about them, other than comfort the one dealing with it and realize that it's part of a physical/mental disorder and cannot be helped. That knowledge helped me to realize that it was unlikely that those who witnessed this weren't going to judge me (all of us have our own issues that we deal with, and some are more obvious than others), and if they did, that was their malfunction, not mine. Despite this experience, I am not going to let this control my life, nor will I allow it to prevent me from attending church. Church is where I find peace and solace, and nothing is going to keep me from seeking and experiencing the feelings I have when I am in the house of the Lord.
To those who were around me when I fell apart, please don't think that you have done ANYTHING wrong. I was a mess to begin with, and sympathy just makes me cry right now. That will diminish, so please bear with me and realize that you are all still my dear friends and I love you.
Until next time.............
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