Healing

Today in therapy, I will be discussing the horrible thing that is my past.  As I have stated many times,  I am a mere human and therefore, I am not without many flaws.  As someone who suffers from debilitating mental illness and has a history of abuse, my flaws are obvious and copious.  I will refrain from going into the details of my past, for that is something I do not share with anyone except my family and my therapist (and for good reason, too; a lot of people, who I thought I could trust, have used this information as a weapon against me when I got into confrontations with them.  I cannot allow that to happen again.).  Suffice it to say, I am dang lucky that my family still loves me, despite my many wrongdoings.
I am not looking forward to discussing this topic with ANYONE, even my therapist.  This will be by and far one of the most painful experiences I will have to endure. With that thought, I think of Jesus in the garden of Gesthemane; he endured much worse than I will have to. He bled from every pore!  Can you imagine the agony involved with that?  Shoot, talking about what a horrible person I used to be is NOTHING compared to what Jesus suffered.  I also think of Jesus hanging on the cross to suffer for OUR sins.  Again, when put into perspective, what I have to deal with is NOTHING!  Even though it will be painful in its own way, it's something I have to do in order to heal and become stronger and more stable.  Yes, the process will be excruciating at times, and there will be times I just want to give up, but (and not to sound cliche here) I have to endure to the end.  It has to happen.
In discussing this very topic with my mom earlier today, I totally lost control of my emotions and was a soggy, blubbering mess of flesh.  Mind you, I think this is a normal reaction to what I am about to face, but still, I was ashamed.  Dammit, I am supposed to be strong.......NOT a disaster on two feet.  Mom didn't judge me, though; she just patiently let me emote and told me that it was going to be rough, but I would feel the burden I have been carrying for over 20 years lifted from my shoulders.  Gosh, I hope I feel that!  Can you imagine how wonderful that would feel?  I would be free from the bondage of pain!!!!  Okay, that last sentence sounded like my death was imminent, but that wasn't the intention.  I have no intention of dying for some time.
I try to discuss this with my dad, but he refuses to talk about it.  He went through a pretty rough childhood and his mom suffered a lot of the same things I do. I think he just tries to block that part of his life out (and who can blame him?) and is afraid to talk about it with me because he might see some of his mom and himself in me.  He never abused us kids, but I REALLY think that he does have some depression/anxiety issues (I know my mom does, but I  doubt she'll acknowledge it anytime soon).  Be that as it may, I do love my parents........mainly because they let me live through adolescence relatively unscathed.
Well, the time is drawing nigh for me to head to therapy.  I am dreading it, but maybe it won't be as bad as I think.  Maybe  it'll be worse, but I pray that I can handle it.  Chocolate may have to be involved (I'm telling you....it contains endorphins!), but that is a sacrifice I may have to make.
Until Monday...........