BIPAPs Are Sexy!

For those of you who do not know, I suffer from severe sleep apnea (being a chunk does not help this issue one iota, by the way).  So, I use a BIPAP at night to help quell my apnea.  Some of you may have heard of C-PAPs, which delivers air via a face mask at a constant pressure.  A BIPAP is similar in that it pretty much does the same thing as a C-PAP, except for one little difference:  A C-PAP only uses one pressure setting for both inhalation and exhalation, and a BIPAP has a pressure setting for inhalation, and a different pressure setting for exhalation.  My mom uses a C-PAP and once she is all hooked up, she just goes to sleep.  I have no such inhibitions about walking around with my chin strap (I have a nasty habit of sleeping with my mouth wide open, thus causing me to snore and sound a lot like a giant tortoise) and my face mask on.  Mind you, this is not a good look for me; I look like a cross between Bane from "The Dark Knight Rises" and Hannibal Lechter.  Sometimes, I use this to my advantage and attempt to freak out my kids by creeping up on them and telling them, "Oh, so you think the darkness is your friend" in my best Bane voice (which, by the way, is not at all convincing, but it's quite fun, which is why I do it).  Another fun little thing that occurs when I don my chin strap and my face mask (sans hose that attaches me to my BIPAP machine) is that it squishes my lips out so much that it looks like a collagen injection gone horribly awry.  Shoot, not even Angelina Jolie has anything on my lips while hooked up to my goodies.  I am always tempted to apply red lipstick while in this state (and I still may do that one of these days), though when I put all that paraphernalia on, it is a signal that I am ready to go to bed.  However, red lipstick applied prior to retiring to my VERY uncomfortable bed would hurt nothing, though it may get on my pillowcase.
The twins LOVE to try to talk to me while I have my BIPAP on, hose and all.  When I attempt to answer them, the air blowing through my mask causes me to sound like I have a terrible sinus infection or something, and I occasionally snort when trying to talk.  This occurs because I have air blowing up my nose.  When I try to cough or clear my throat, I snort.  If it weren't so uncomfortable, it'd be even more funny than it already is.
Eating is also quite difficult with my mask on.  I can't seem to find my mouth very well when I attempt to partake of my bedtime graham cracker.  I tend to whack my mask a few times before I successfully place said graham cracker in my mouth.  I don't do this very often as it is kind of a difficult and rather annoying task.
All this talk about BIPAPs has made me a tad bit drowsy, probably because I associate it with sleeping.  I think I may need to have some caffeine to perk me up a bit so I can finish out my day without a nap (some of my meds make me sleepy).  I shall bid you adieu for now.  I sincerely hope you enjoy this tongue-in-cheek attitude towards my many flaws. If we can't laugh at ourselves, someone else will, and that's not cool.
Until next time...........